Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
