She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
