just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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