I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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