would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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