I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
