he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
