i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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