Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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