I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize