Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You can't special order awesome
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
