Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
