please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
