Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
