Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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