she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
