She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
