here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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