Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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