please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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