How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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