i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
