I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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