Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
