and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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