i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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