The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize