i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
