If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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