GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize