Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
sarcasm needs its own font
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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