Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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