if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
