he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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