Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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