Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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