I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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