I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize