If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Randomize
