Will you blow on my dice?
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
