Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
