i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
