He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
