life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
