just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
