Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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