please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
