I think my fart just growled at me.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize