i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
