I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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