I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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