im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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