Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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