So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
