I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
