if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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