He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
