I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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