I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize