"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
