Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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