I faked an abortion last night.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
