is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
