I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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