i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize