my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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